The Digital Story of the Nativity

(Thanks to Allie for posting on Facebook)

Our Darkness

La ténèbre n'est point ténèbre devant toi;

la nuit comme le jour est lumière.

Our darkness, is never darkness in your sight;

The deepest night is clear as the daylight.

-Taize

Worst Day of Seminary

I'm still a bit in shock and pretty numb, but I feel the need to get my thoughts down at this time. I often use my blog to process major occurrences in my life and it has helped me work through difficult situations in the past, so I'm going to utilize this forum for that purpose again tonight. Whether I actually hit the publish button is another thing altogether, but that I will decide later....

As I've written previously, my experience at seminary so far has been very positive. I love this community and I love my classes. I love the city of Austin and I've really felt like I've found my place. There have also been difficulties, which life always brings, and today one of the most difficult situations for me has taken a terrible turn.

One of the people that I connected with very early on here at school is a classmate of mine who had many things in common with me. He was close to my age, divorced, had an affinity for interfaith dialog, had read many of the same books that I had, and we had very similar taste in music. Shan and I hit it off during orientation and he lived two floors above me in my building. He was struggling with medical issues right from the very beginning of the year and stopped attending classes within the first month of the school year. He was withdrawn from classes for medical reasons and was intending to rejoin us in classes in the Spring semester. The school was very accommodating and made every effort to help him adjust and to get back on track. He reached out to me fairly often and occasionally would come to my apartment to visit and to tell me how he was doing. On rare occasions I was able to get him to join me and others out socially. He would often disappear for days at a time and we would watch to make sure that his car had changed parking spaces to know that he was leaving on occasion. He was checking in with professors and the Dean of Student Affairs (our chaplain) weekly to let them know how he was doing in addition to seeing doctors to deal with his medical issues. Many in the community were aware of his struggles and were doing what they could to monitor the situation and hoping to help in some way.

Sadly, he was found dead in his apartment this morning.

As of this time we do not know any of the details of his death and we are awaiting an autopsy.

The way it has been handled both formally and informally by this school, both those on staff and those studying here, has been great and yet another reinforcement that I am in the right place. As future pastors, we are learning how to be the church and how to help people deal with life. And this is a very real aspect of life that has hit our community today. It is one thing to plan a discovery weekend for prospective students, or to teach a class, but responding appropriately to a crisis situation and modeling for future church leaders how to handle one, especially one that hits so close to home is quite another. Despite the sadness of this day, I am proud to be a member of this community and to be learning from those around me.

The entire community gathered in the chapel this afternoon so that the president, Rev. Ted Wardlaw could share with us what is known at this time and to offer space for comments, questions, and/or reactions. We had a time of prayer together and sang Amazing Grace. A celebration of Shan's life will be held on Monday morning. There will be grief counselors on campus tomorrow and Friday and the chaplain visited our building this evening to see how we were all doing. Groups gathered together for dinner, for drinks and just to be together most of the afternoon and evening. My phone continues to ring with calls and text messages checking in on me.

I ache for his family who not only have to deal with their loss, but who also will have to come here to deal with his apartment, his car, etc. He had a fiancée in L.A. and friends throughout the country, having lived in Sante Fe, Colorado, Mississippi, and North Carolina. He lived in Turkey with his ex-wife and spoke highly of her, her family and the people of that country. I still can't quite believe that he is gone.

Personally, I had a difficult time dealing with him because his struggles reminded me much of the difficult times that I went through with my ex-wife. They were not the same, but it was similar in that I felt helpless to do much other than offer an ear and support. Sometimes that is all that we can do. Sometimes that is more than enough, sometimes it feels so inadequate.

In this situation I felt fairly inadequate. I know he appreciated me and that he felt he could come to me to talk, but I don't know if that was what he needed most. In all honesty that's how I feel about most of my interactions. I hope that I am providing for everyone that I deal with what they need most from me, but that isn't something that we ever know for sure, and we aren't always capable of giving what is needed. All we can do is be as authentic as we are capable of and pray that we are doing more good than harm by how we interact with the world and those around us. I feel that I have done that, but it doesn't make it suck any less that I wasn't able to do more for my friend and now he is gone.

I ask that you pray for Shan, that you pray for his family and friends, that you pray for this school and that you cherish those around you.

Something Shan always did, which I really appreciated about him and I will always carry with me, was that he always told me that he loved me when he left. We should all do that more than we do. We are all loved and it doesn't hurt to remind each other of that.

Know that you are loved and share that love with all that you encounter.